Just let everyone into heaven. Who is going to know?

You’re God. Your life sucks. You already know everything. You’ve already done everything you’re ever going to do. No point in surfing, or kayaking, or seeing Loni Anderson’s boobs. All you do is decide which of these silly, unpredictable creatures you’re going to damn to hell or lift up into heaven. And you realize, because I realize, and I’m retarded compared to you, that you could just let everyone into heaven and nobody would know.

Essentially you’re running an infinitely cruel operation. The people in heaven don’t care who else is up there.  Sure, let’s say it mattered to “Saved Bob” that his piety on Earth was wasted.  Bob is PISSED for the first 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years. He still has the rest of eternity to kick back and relax. And we both know that that number (let’s call it pisstillion) over infinity is ridiculously small. It’s smaller than an ant fart in the Milky Way.

Fig. 1.1

And nobody would know here on Earth. The dichotomy of good and evil, saved and unsaved, would have just as much power as it did before.

In other words, you have no reason for hell.  Not the way we have a reason for putting criminals in prison.  You’re punishing unbaptized children, uncontacted tribes, Mormons (I mean, come on), Suri Cruise, Sam Harris and me (do you see how I did that?) to an eternity of pain, for nothing.

Let’s say reason doesn’t matter to you. This has been suggested before. Many, many, many times. Like a pisstillion times. I’m so sick of it. If reason doesn’t matter to you, then how is being religious more beneficial than anything else? Why not send all religious people to hell and atheists to heaven?

Is that too unreasonable? Is there a measure to your unreasonableness?

Hell has the same value whether it exists or not.  And it has to be one of your worst inventions.  It doesn’t even prevent people from doing bad things.  In fact, it makes some people behave worse because those who don’t believe in it can easily say they do believe in it, and gain all the trust, infinite trust really, that they need to do whatever they want.

So, why did you invent something that is only useful as a threat — because Suri will never come back to Earth after she’s learned her lesson — and doesn’t really work that well as a threat?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve figured out that, logically speaking, this must mean that as the rocket ship carrying all the atheists is heading towards hell, it suddenly changes course and goes to… SUPER HEAVEN.  Sweet!

If anyone has a problem with super heaven, I really don’t like you.  I really don’t like you at all because I am psyched.